Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize