: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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