So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize