Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
