i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
