Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
