Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
