I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
