i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Did I show you my penis last night?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I believe in your delicious
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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