he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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