This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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