So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
