We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize