Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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