Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
