Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
