You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize