Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
no, he came in my armpit
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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