i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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