Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
