mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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