So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
