yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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