You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
