You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Mom said you looked used
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
