I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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