hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Couch. On fire.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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