dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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