If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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