Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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