I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Randomize
