Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
