I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
