are you still at the devil's house?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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