Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
