i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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