He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
