i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
