Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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