her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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