At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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