my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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