I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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