Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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