I'd wear matching sweaters with you
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
