my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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