Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
