Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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