An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
