Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
