his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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