So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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