I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
