but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
