I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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