i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
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