.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
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