i think my tv is drunk
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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