Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
