Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
