I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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