I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
