My room smells like vodka and shame
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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